'Cause I don't wanna lose you now..

I feel like blogging every day is a lot. I mean..maybe it makes up for not blogging at all the rest of the year, ha!

But really..right now..my life is just filled with lots of ups and downs. And I guess stand-stills, too. Just like everyone else. Mostly just stand-stills. I feel like my job situation is probably just the worst part..and everything else is really okay. I mean..I'm really struggling. It's hard for me to let go of a place I've worked at for so long. But it's more of a nostalgic thing maybe? Idk. I don't like how it is now. I liked how it was 5-10 years ago. But it will never be that again. I also feel like I've really helped build that company..I've put everything into my job over the years because I've loved working there. I love the laid backness of the place. I love the freedom I have. If I can just get past all of this, maybe it will be easier for me to leave. I actually have noticed there is a job opening in New Roads..I'm not really sure if it's what I want to be doing..It's a skilled nursing facility..I don't really have any experience with that..but I'm always up for something new. The most appealing part of the job is the medical/dental and matching 401k plans..but I'm thinking they are probably wanting to hire someone more experienced in this field, OR, as the ad stated, a new graduate. That they can pay base pay to. Ugh. Dumb.

What's up with dudes these days? All of the ones that I want to stay far away from me won't leave me alone. The one or two really nice guys that I actually would like to hang out with ain't feelin it. But seriously. Every single other one..I'm not tryin to sound like a snob or anything, but fa real! All of the weirdos! Not that I'm worried about it or even ready to trust a guy again..but a nice boy would be nice!

Who wouldn't wanna be me..

Seriously. This weekend. Can you just be over?? Why is everything in my life right now so crazy?? Just when I feel like I can start to breathe again, everything falls apart. I promise I'm not depressed. I just wanna be whiny okay! geez! I feel like I just want to hibernate for an entire week and sleep all day and watch tv and read books and not work. ever. ever. ever. What's the point in working my butt off at 2 jobs and still making the same amount of money, which is just enough to get by? I'm hoping another door will open soon..which I'm sure it will. because God always comes through.
Last night I drove myself and my mom and my sister in law to the movies. Annnnd I lost my car key. After searching until almost midnight, we gave up and got another ride home. I had to leave my car overnight in another city 45 minutes away from my home. Today my mom and I searched the restaurant where we ate, the movie theater (with a flashlight!!) (btw, the floor under the seats at the movies is completely disgusting and I'm convinced they don't clean under there like ever), and everywhere in between, we decided to call pop a lock. So the guy came and I got some things that I needed out of my car, and racked my brain to decide where I could pull the money from to have another key made and have Acura program it to my car (apparently all of this crap costs like $500. Just to have a dumb key made!!). I was having an inner freak out moment. My mom took me home and we decided I would use her car to get to work tomorrow-well the second we pull into the driveway, the security guard from Perkins Rowe calls me and tells me they found my key at the restaurant! I mean..we had been back at the restaurant last night and today about 4 times and I know the manager was probably sick of seeing us.  But thank God for my amazing Galbo girls who took care of the situation for me and picked up my car! I am so lucky to have people around me that know when I'm freaking out, and completely take the reins. I mean..after everything is said and done I always get upset at myself because I sort of go into this hopeless state when things happen and seriously my amazing friends and family just take care of me. I know I can be self absorbed a lot of the time..but really..I would do the same for any one of them! So to Ashleigh and Stacy and mom and Stephanie and Crystal and her sister and his husband, I love you all and thank you so much for helping me!

She's gonna listen to her heart..

I'm so happy that the Ides of March blogging challenge still stands! I like blogging..and I like reading everyone else's blogs. Except..I can't ever remember Olivia's blog and if someone has it can they please paste the link or let me know? Maybe she doesn't even blog anymore? I don't know. I just like to know what everyone is up to.
As I've blogged recently, my life is so crazy. Today, I only had to work a half day, then I was going to see one HH patient. Turns out, she couldn't be seen today, so I actually had the afternoon off! I don't even know what to do with myself..no, really..what do people do with themselves when they aren't at work?? I have a hard time just relaxing..I like to work and keep busy. Even if I'm watching TV, it's mostly because it's something that I've DVR'd and need to delete it or it will just stay in my brain. I have a problem. I make lists for everything. I like to get things done people! I went over to my parent's house for awhile..I went outside for awhile and watched Charlie on his new tractor and took the trash out..I cleaned up a little in the house and vacuumed. I got my schedule down for tomorrow. I was about to go take the dogs for a walk (more like a sprint..Chai drags me behind her but she has to be on a leash with a harness!!) until I remembered that I should blog! So..fun day, right?? In about an hour I'll be heading to meet Angelle to get a run in. We are doing a 4 mile race this Saturday in New Roads. I'm hoping the weather will be nice. But not hot. And not rainy. The perfect run for me, would be a 50 degree day. I can't stand to be hot when I run. If I weren't so self conscious I would be one of those girls running in their sports bra down the road.
I'm boring..sorry! Other than the race, we are having family dinner on Friday night..and girls night on Saturday night to see Divergent. I read the books last year and of course I loved them. Just give me any YA book. I promise I'll like it haha. I also just finished reading White Oleander..I liked it. Obviously there are some messed up things that happen to the main character. But, the way the book is written..it's very beautiful. It makes you fall in love with words. Is that weird? Some people just know how to write a book. Like, I could probably use half of the sentences as quotes for life. Even though I don't agree with them..you just get sucked in. Well. I think that's all.

Just a mile outside of town..

Life is crazy sometimes. I feel like I can hardly take a breath right now. I've been so busy that I have no time to do anything that I love to do. I guess I shouldn't complain, it won't be like this forever. And I do like to be busy and active..but sheesh.
I've been working two jobs lately..outpatient clinic in the morning, and home health in the evenings. I don't think I knew what I was signing up for when I started doing HH. I guess I do like the flexibility of it, but at the same time, I do thrive better with a schedule! I like schedules. and lists. I have to start going over my work a few days before hands..read evaluations and decide how/what I'm going to do with the patient to follow out the plan of care. I have to schedule the patients by looking on my GPS to see what my quickest routes will be. I have to keep track of mileage. I have to speak to worried family members on a daily basis. I have to figure out ways to trick (maybe coerce is a better word?) patients into doing what I need them to do. I have to make sure there aren't any type of bed sores, high blood pressure, etc going on..most of these people are elderly and pretty fragile. Something so easy can go unnoticed and land them back in the hospital. I know all of this sounds so boring..but it's my life right now! After I see the patients, I have to go home and do charting (which takes me about an hour or a little more) and then try to fit in a run if I can with Angelle..by then I have no desire to cook or clean or read or do any of the other things I enjoy. I find myself staying up til midnight just so I can read a chapter of a book. Thank God the time just changed so I can have an extra hour! I actually had a couple free hours yesterday..I took Chai for a walk/run..I need to do that more often. Poor puppy is just fenced in all day with no one to play with! Sometimes it makes me feel guilty.
This is a boring post. I'm sorry.
This weekend I have to sit in a continuing education class all day Saturday and Sunday. Sunday I have to race home (the class is in Lafayette) and make it to Fleet Feet in Baton Rouge by 5 because Angelle and I are doing a St. Paddy's day run! I know I'll be ready to go home, but I think it will be fun. It's a 3.17 mile race. We have only had time to fit in 2 runs this week, but I think we'll do fine. Next weekend we are doing a 4 mile race in New Roads, which should be pretty fun as well.
That's pretty much my life lately! Can't tell you what the last movie I saw was. Last album I bought was Beck a few weeks ago, and I still am listening to it. I can't stop. All I do is drive all day long so I must have good jams to listen to! Today, it took me an hour and a half to get home. I listened to Justin Timberlake the whole way. That made it better. okay. bye.

We were meant to live for so much more..

I have been stuck on this scripture from James for awhile..How many times do we cry and moan and groan and pout and complain when we face trials in our lives? It says here that we should consider it pure joy..Looks like it's time for an attitude adjustment..

Trials and Temptations

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

In the end we tend to think of how it began..

Warning: Personal and completely honest post ahead. I'm not typing this so anyone can feel sorry for me or pity me..or even try to give me advice. I'm simply just going to type very honest feelings. Too many times people (mostly Christians?) just pretend that everything is fine and great and they don't want to be honest with other people..like people will judge them for being weak or something. I am here to say, yes, I wouldn't have made it without Jesus Christ. I wouldn't have made it without worship music, or prayer, or reading my bible and repeating scriptures when I needed to. However, I suffered through the same feelings and emotions that non christians go through in a similar situation, and I'm not going to sugar coat it and sweep those things under the rug. If you know me, you know that I am an honest (brutally, for the most part [at times..]) person and if anyone wants to talk about my situation, I rarely leave out negative (or positive!) emotions that I felt..I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs..mostly just emotional nothings.. I don't know if that makes sense? Maybe just non-feelings. Having no feelings? Whatever, you get the point.
I am officially divorced. There are some days where I feel so angry and like a complete failure. One bad thing about living in a small town, is that everyone knows you..all of my patients know me and my family..most of them always immediately ask me if and when I'm going to have a baby and when I have to tell them that I am no longer married..it's like something is wrong with me. They automatically lump me in with the rest of my generation, who don't know how to fight for anything and give up too easily. They don't say it. But they don't have to. Half of them assume that now I am the most depressed and pitiful thing they've ever seen..They ask me in that condescending tone, "How was your weekend, bay? Did you get out and do anything?" as if I have no life now that I am no longer married. I think one of the worst things about it for me is that feeling. Of being a failure. I guess most of the older married generation just turned the other cheek when they would go through addictions, infidelities, anger issues..etc. I don't understand how they did it. Or maybe it wasn't as prevalent? I'm sure that's the case. For so many reasons. Anyway, that wasn't really a trail I was intending on taking..
My marriage lasted 3 years. Technically 4, but we were separated for the last year, and I don't really count that as being married because there weren't 2 active participants in the marriage. Throughout this time I think I felt every emotion there is. I was angry. hurt. jealous. felt forgotten. felt unworthy. pointless. depressed. almost suicidal at one point..I don't know that I've ever been open about that. But there was one really bad night. We had been fighting. screaming at each other on the phone. Making threats..After I hung up I rifled through my medicine cabinet..searching for those long forgotten pain pills that I had stowed away. It's only by the grace of God that they weren't there. They still haven't turned up. That was the worst night..I just can't ever explain the horrifying feeling..the feeling that being dead would feel better than having to live this life..The only thing I could do was put on one particular worship song on repeat on my phone, and put it under my pillow while I whispered Jesus' name over and over to just take me. That was a huge turning point for me..after that night I saw things differently. I had a dream that I was meeting Jesus..we were in a cane field (one of my favorite places..to look at! I would never want to be in one with all of the scary creatures, but they are so pretty to look at, and I love the smell when the fields are burning, too) and he was walking with me. I had such a peaceful feeling..it really changed me. There are many other things that happened that helped turn me around..but honestly I would be typing forever if I added all of those things.
It took losing the thing that I loved the most to change..I have always held marriage on a pedestal..I always assumed I would be complete and whole and happy 100% of the time when I was married. I knew that it would be tough..but I never liked being single. I wanted someone else to make decisions for me and take care of me. I asked God my entire teenage and adult life to please show me a visible sign that I would marry the person I was meant to be with. The rainbow in the sky on the day of my wedding proved that to me..there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but a rainbow was there. At the time, that was my sign..and even when we started to have major problems in our marriage..I still hung on to the rainbow..I just thought "Well, if God promised this to me, it has to be the right thing." But now, I see it so differently. He was just promising me that He would be there for me..that I deserve what He has promised me. I've been (pretty much) single for a year now. And it's been great! The only time I really hated it was during the holidays. But I've learned to do so many things on my own..things that I never would have learned had I stayed married. I learned about who I really was. I gained self confidence..I learned my true worth. I used to put too much stock in what I was worth to other people..but I have learned (and am still learning!) that it doesn't matter..that I am worth everything and more to God. He gave up his son because I am worth that much! Looking back, I can almost say that I am thankful for what happened. I don't believe that God wants to see his children hurting..but I think I needed to go through some of those things. I had to learn to let go of things that I held on pedestals. I held my husband on a pedestal. But he wasn't supposed to be there. So..that is part of my journey over the last year..It feels good to get it out. I am very much looking forward to next year. I really do love beginnings..also, I am sort of happy to be saying goodbye to my 20's. I feel like I learned so much about myself..but now I'm ready to see what 30 will bring!

I just need to let go..

Time for an update! I hate that I don't blog more regularly. I feel like we should all have another blogging challenge later in the year..especially with certain people moving far far away!
Speaking of people moving..my brother and sister in law will be here in less than a month! I am beyond excited about it. I miss them so much and can't wait til they're back in da bayou state. Also, I will be getting a room mate for the first time in about 4 years. So that should be interesting. I hope I'm not too set in my ways/OCD to be able to live with someone else. I always like to think that I'm pretty laid back..but actually I can be pretty uptight about a lot of things..surprise surprise!(;-) I can always tell when I'm being uptight or OCD or whatever ya wanna call it..but I am a creature of severe habits. When my (almost ex..) husband separated..almost a year ago, I was so scared to be by myself. I wasn't scared that someone would break in or anything like that..I just was scared that I would be lonely and forgotten. Which was pretty dumb..my parents and brother's family live only about 8-10 miles from here. But I think that that was the way that God wanted it to be for me..He needed to get me by myself so that I would have to go through everything without any of my crutches. I just had Him to lean on..I know that my family loves me more than anything and that they are always there for me to talk to, and I did a lot..but I kind of felt like it was this journey that I was meant to go on without relying too much on other people. Because that's what I've done my whole life. I have always relied on other men..I have always had a boyfriend ever since I can remember. They were like idols to me and I leaned on them instead of on Jesus for all of my emotional security..I found 3 of my old diaries this weekend that I had starting at 10 years old. And I had written every day religiously for 3 years..and every single day I wrote something about a boy. I mean, I know that's not uncommon but at 10 years old? Also, at 10 years old, I would write things like "I am going to go on a diet so I can lose weight and not be fat anymore"..I hope that if I have a daughter one day..that at 10 years old she will not think she's 'fat' (I wasn't) or even think about that. I know I'm starting to ramble. I didn't know what I wanted to blog about..just started typing.
Shark Week is on. I don't know why I watch it, because then when I go to Grand Isle and we go swimming on the beach, all I think about are those Great White sharks who jump in the air. I mean, when's the last time there was a shark attack on the beach there?? Speaking of the beach..another reason I can't wait for my brother to get home is that we are going to go to Grand Isle! and go crabbing! and fishing! and maybe swim with our dogs..I'm so sad about the bacteria in the water. I was really looking forward to letting Chai swim for the first time there. She is at the vet today, getting spayed. It's so weird not having a cute bunny hopping all over my house. It's a huge break for me, but I miss her.
I'm pretty sure that I told a lot of people about the POD show that Crystal and I went to last week..I know people think we are crazy because we have seen them 3 times in that past year..but I'm just making up for not ever seeing them my whole life! And if they come back anywhere near here again, you can guarantee that we will be on the front row, drinking Sonny's water, singing in the microphone, and dancing to/singing every word to every single song. It's hard no to love them when you meet them..this time Sonny came out and talked to us for a long time. He told us stories about people in other bands..he told us that the singer from Papa Roach just recently got saved and told us about a conversation they had not too long ago. He's just right in the middle of everything and he's so humble and just a real person. We watched him talk to a girl who was obviously crazy..or on something..or manic..I don't know, she was just pretty nuts. She had no shoes..she was talking to herself and in her own little world. While we were talking to Sonny, he noticed that she was still there, sitting on a curb in the parking lot. He told us that we needed to go talk to her and pray for her..so we went over and Crystal talked to her for a long time. I just love that about her. Her heart breaks for people that are different or unaccepted..I can promise you that I wouldn't have looked twice at this girl. She was saying so many crazy things..eventually, we prayed for her. Sonny didn't pray, he just stood behind us and agreed with what we were praying for. (After we prayed, the girl kept saying crazy things..but like Crystal told me..we just planted a seed. Maybe nothing will happen right away or anytime soon..but we planted a seed and sowed into her..) It was such a great night. You could tell that Sonny was so tired and probably just wanted to go to bed..but he knows that he needs to pour into this generation and spend time with young people. I'm so happy that we got to experience that..sometimes I just think about Heaven..and I just know that we are going to see each other there..and see him there too. We are all brothers and sisters and it's awesome to know that we will spend an eternity together. Well. Enough rambles. I'm gonna go enjoy Chai-free time.
PS-I'm caught up with Breaking Bad and omg. Cannot WAIT til Sunday night to start the next (and last :( ) season!!!!!!