We were meant to live for so much more..

I have been stuck on this scripture from James for awhile..How many times do we cry and moan and groan and pout and complain when we face trials in our lives? It says here that we should consider it pure joy..Looks like it's time for an attitude adjustment..

Trials and Temptations

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

In the end we tend to think of how it began..

Warning: Personal and completely honest post ahead. I'm not typing this so anyone can feel sorry for me or pity me..or even try to give me advice. I'm simply just going to type very honest feelings. Too many times people (mostly Christians?) just pretend that everything is fine and great and they don't want to be honest with other people..like people will judge them for being weak or something. I am here to say, yes, I wouldn't have made it without Jesus Christ. I wouldn't have made it without worship music, or prayer, or reading my bible and repeating scriptures when I needed to. However, I suffered through the same feelings and emotions that non christians go through in a similar situation, and I'm not going to sugar coat it and sweep those things under the rug. If you know me, you know that I am an honest (brutally, for the most part [at times..]) person and if anyone wants to talk about my situation, I rarely leave out negative (or positive!) emotions that I felt..I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs..mostly just emotional nothings.. I don't know if that makes sense? Maybe just non-feelings. Having no feelings? Whatever, you get the point.
I am officially divorced. There are some days where I feel so angry and like a complete failure. One bad thing about living in a small town, is that everyone knows you..all of my patients know me and my family..most of them always immediately ask me if and when I'm going to have a baby and when I have to tell them that I am no longer married..it's like something is wrong with me. They automatically lump me in with the rest of my generation, who don't know how to fight for anything and give up too easily. They don't say it. But they don't have to. Half of them assume that now I am the most depressed and pitiful thing they've ever seen..They ask me in that condescending tone, "How was your weekend, bay? Did you get out and do anything?" as if I have no life now that I am no longer married. I think one of the worst things about it for me is that feeling. Of being a failure. I guess most of the older married generation just turned the other cheek when they would go through addictions, infidelities, anger issues..etc. I don't understand how they did it. Or maybe it wasn't as prevalent? I'm sure that's the case. For so many reasons. Anyway, that wasn't really a trail I was intending on taking..
My marriage lasted 3 years. Technically 4, but we were separated for the last year, and I don't really count that as being married because there weren't 2 active participants in the marriage. Throughout this time I think I felt every emotion there is. I was angry. hurt. jealous. felt forgotten. felt unworthy. pointless. depressed. almost suicidal at one point..I don't know that I've ever been open about that. But there was one really bad night. We had been fighting. screaming at each other on the phone. Making threats..After I hung up I rifled through my medicine cabinet..searching for those long forgotten pain pills that I had stowed away. It's only by the grace of God that they weren't there. They still haven't turned up. That was the worst night..I just can't ever explain the horrifying feeling..the feeling that being dead would feel better than having to live this life..The only thing I could do was put on one particular worship song on repeat on my phone, and put it under my pillow while I whispered Jesus' name over and over to just take me. That was a huge turning point for me..after that night I saw things differently. I had a dream that I was meeting Jesus..we were in a cane field (one of my favorite places..to look at! I would never want to be in one with all of the scary creatures, but they are so pretty to look at, and I love the smell when the fields are burning, too) and he was walking with me. I had such a peaceful feeling..it really changed me. There are many other things that happened that helped turn me around..but honestly I would be typing forever if I added all of those things.
It took losing the thing that I loved the most to change..I have always held marriage on a pedestal..I always assumed I would be complete and whole and happy 100% of the time when I was married. I knew that it would be tough..but I never liked being single. I wanted someone else to make decisions for me and take care of me. I asked God my entire teenage and adult life to please show me a visible sign that I would marry the person I was meant to be with. The rainbow in the sky on the day of my wedding proved that to me..there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but a rainbow was there. At the time, that was my sign..and even when we started to have major problems in our marriage..I still hung on to the rainbow..I just thought "Well, if God promised this to me, it has to be the right thing." But now, I see it so differently. He was just promising me that He would be there for me..that I deserve what He has promised me. I've been (pretty much) single for a year now. And it's been great! The only time I really hated it was during the holidays. But I've learned to do so many things on my own..things that I never would have learned had I stayed married. I learned about who I really was. I gained self confidence..I learned my true worth. I used to put too much stock in what I was worth to other people..but I have learned (and am still learning!) that it doesn't matter..that I am worth everything and more to God. He gave up his son because I am worth that much! Looking back, I can almost say that I am thankful for what happened. I don't believe that God wants to see his children hurting..but I think I needed to go through some of those things. I had to learn to let go of things that I held on pedestals. I held my husband on a pedestal. But he wasn't supposed to be there. So..that is part of my journey over the last year..It feels good to get it out. I am very much looking forward to next year. I really do love beginnings..also, I am sort of happy to be saying goodbye to my 20's. I feel like I learned so much about myself..but now I'm ready to see what 30 will bring!

I just need to let go..

Time for an update! I hate that I don't blog more regularly. I feel like we should all have another blogging challenge later in the year..especially with certain people moving far far away!
Speaking of people moving..my brother and sister in law will be here in less than a month! I am beyond excited about it. I miss them so much and can't wait til they're back in da bayou state. Also, I will be getting a room mate for the first time in about 4 years. So that should be interesting. I hope I'm not too set in my ways/OCD to be able to live with someone else. I always like to think that I'm pretty laid back..but actually I can be pretty uptight about a lot of things..surprise surprise!(;-) I can always tell when I'm being uptight or OCD or whatever ya wanna call it..but I am a creature of severe habits. When my (almost ex..) husband separated..almost a year ago, I was so scared to be by myself. I wasn't scared that someone would break in or anything like that..I just was scared that I would be lonely and forgotten. Which was pretty dumb..my parents and brother's family live only about 8-10 miles from here. But I think that that was the way that God wanted it to be for me..He needed to get me by myself so that I would have to go through everything without any of my crutches. I just had Him to lean on..I know that my family loves me more than anything and that they are always there for me to talk to, and I did a lot..but I kind of felt like it was this journey that I was meant to go on without relying too much on other people. Because that's what I've done my whole life. I have always relied on other men..I have always had a boyfriend ever since I can remember. They were like idols to me and I leaned on them instead of on Jesus for all of my emotional security..I found 3 of my old diaries this weekend that I had starting at 10 years old. And I had written every day religiously for 3 years..and every single day I wrote something about a boy. I mean, I know that's not uncommon but at 10 years old? Also, at 10 years old, I would write things like "I am going to go on a diet so I can lose weight and not be fat anymore"..I hope that if I have a daughter one day..that at 10 years old she will not think she's 'fat' (I wasn't) or even think about that. I know I'm starting to ramble. I didn't know what I wanted to blog about..just started typing.
Shark Week is on. I don't know why I watch it, because then when I go to Grand Isle and we go swimming on the beach, all I think about are those Great White sharks who jump in the air. I mean, when's the last time there was a shark attack on the beach there?? Speaking of the beach..another reason I can't wait for my brother to get home is that we are going to go to Grand Isle! and go crabbing! and fishing! and maybe swim with our dogs..I'm so sad about the bacteria in the water. I was really looking forward to letting Chai swim for the first time there. She is at the vet today, getting spayed. It's so weird not having a cute bunny hopping all over my house. It's a huge break for me, but I miss her.
I'm pretty sure that I told a lot of people about the POD show that Crystal and I went to last week..I know people think we are crazy because we have seen them 3 times in that past year..but I'm just making up for not ever seeing them my whole life! And if they come back anywhere near here again, you can guarantee that we will be on the front row, drinking Sonny's water, singing in the microphone, and dancing to/singing every word to every single song. It's hard no to love them when you meet them..this time Sonny came out and talked to us for a long time. He told us stories about people in other bands..he told us that the singer from Papa Roach just recently got saved and told us about a conversation they had not too long ago. He's just right in the middle of everything and he's so humble and just a real person. We watched him talk to a girl who was obviously crazy..or on something..or manic..I don't know, she was just pretty nuts. She had no shoes..she was talking to herself and in her own little world. While we were talking to Sonny, he noticed that she was still there, sitting on a curb in the parking lot. He told us that we needed to go talk to her and pray for her..so we went over and Crystal talked to her for a long time. I just love that about her. Her heart breaks for people that are different or unaccepted..I can promise you that I wouldn't have looked twice at this girl. She was saying so many crazy things..eventually, we prayed for her. Sonny didn't pray, he just stood behind us and agreed with what we were praying for. (After we prayed, the girl kept saying crazy things..but like Crystal told me..we just planted a seed. Maybe nothing will happen right away or anytime soon..but we planted a seed and sowed into her..) It was such a great night. You could tell that Sonny was so tired and probably just wanted to go to bed..but he knows that he needs to pour into this generation and spend time with young people. I'm so happy that we got to experience that..sometimes I just think about Heaven..and I just know that we are going to see each other there..and see him there too. We are all brothers and sisters and it's awesome to know that we will spend an eternity together. Well. Enough rambles. I'm gonna go enjoy Chai-free time.
PS-I'm caught up with Breaking Bad and omg. Cannot WAIT til Sunday night to start the next (and last :( ) season!!!!!!

All I am is Yours..

Let's see. Seems like awhile since I've blogged. I feel like a million things have happened since I last blogged. Well guess I'll have to start with my job situation..I am currently looking for a new job..after a looonnngg time of going back and forth, and fighting it, I finally realized that it's just time for me to move on. I have learned so many things and had the best times at my current job..however, the times, they are a changin, and it's time to move on. I'm pretty terrified about this..completely out of my comfort zone..so, if you are reading this, please pray for me that I can have the strength and courage to get out there and find something new!
Last week, I went to Disneyworld for the first time ever! I had the best time..it was everything and more than I wished it would be. I haven't been on a roller coaster ride, or any theme park for that matter for honestly probably 11-12 years..Needless to say, I was excited. We went non-stop from 8 in the morning til midnight or later on some nights. I was completely exhausted and so tired every day, but it was so worth it. It really is the happiest place on earth! I loved going to Epcot and Hollywood studios, but my favorite part was The Magic Kingdom. Nothing beats it! The fireworks and light show above (and on) the castle really does take your breath away (the first time you see it, at least). It's hard to believe that they spend that much $ on a daily basis on fireworks (for each park) and on the millions of employees that they have. We also went to Universal Studios for a day, and that was really great too. It's not Disney, but it is really fun. I finally got to try butterbeer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter..it was so good..I want more I want more..that was our quote for the entire trip (besides "Life is Good") because you do need more. I think I left out that we went to Animal Kingdom for a day too..it rained most of that day, but it was fun too! We went on a safari there and saw some giraffes running and playing..I think that was the best part. I've never seen a giraffe run! They look like they're galloping clumsily in slow motion. One of the roller coasters in this park was probably one of my favorites..it's called Everest and it's so scary and fun and terrifying and I laughed the entire time because I just couldn't handle myself. heh. I came home very hoarse. I think I could write a book on this trip, so I'll just leave it at this: Funnest trip of my life.
Last night I stayed up very late, because today is Memorial Day and I don't have work! I was reading my bible..and ya know how sometimes you have read the same story so many times in your life, but one time you read it..and something sort of sticks out to you? Like it's just something small, but it's something you always have just read over and not thought too much about it. Well I was reading the story in Genesis about how God tested Abraham, and asked him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. He didn't even question God..he just did it. Isaac was his promise..the son that God had promised to him and Sarah. Well, after an angel came to Abraham and told him not to sacrifice his son..he looked up and there was a ram to sacrifice instead. Then Abraham called the place "The Lord Will Provide." It just made me stop and think a few minutes about how many people I know that have had to sacrifice their dreams..their promises. But guess what? When you do that, The Lord will provide. I know how very hard and scary it can be to sacrifice something or let go of something that God promised to you..and I can promise you that if you have the strength to let it go..to give that dream or that promise back to God..he WILL provide for you. It may not be the way that you wanted or thought he would provide for you..but he does. This probably sounds so elementary to most people..but until you actually have to go through this in your own life, it's not real to you. Maybe that's why this time it kind of stuck out to me. I don't know all of the ways that he will provide for me..but I have the hope and the faith that he will..how he wants to..in his timing. I know that there is a reason that I had to go through everything I did..it really totally changed me and who I am. But that needed to happen.
Enough of all of the deep stuff! I have so many shows to catch up on my DVR..and also the last season of Arrested Development to finish..and some more episodes of Mad Men to watch..and Eisley to listen to..just so many things. Hope you people are all having a fun Memorial Day with family and hopefully at a beach or next to a pool!

You ain't seen nothin yet..

Another year older. sigh. I think for the first time I actually FEEL older..I never have felt that way before. I guess it's been a heavy year for me. So many changes. As a result, I have changed. So much, in so many ways. I think if I knew a year ago where I am today, I would have probably had a panic attack! But. I'm here. I made it! One more year in my twenties..my brother told me tonight that I needed to live it up. Ha! I think I've done enough living in my twenties to kind of calm down a little bit. Or maybe not ;)
I guess my birthday was bittersweet this year. It's the first time in a LONG time that I have been single for my bday. It's just not the same..although my family and friends for sure made up for it! I had a great time spending time with so many different friends and family members over the past week. That's better than getting all the presents in the world. I swear, I think my love language is kind of changing..I don't know if that's possible? But..I really used to be so materialistic (I realize that this does change with age for most people-for the most part!)..but I really think that I value people and experiences more now that I have before. I really didn't care this year if I got one gift. Looking back at the past few years..the horrible situation I was in..I think maybe I turned into a shop-a-holic because it was like my addiction..everything in my life sucked, but I could go shopping and it would feel better. For a day or 2..then I needed to buy something again. I totally understand how some people have that problem! I didn't want to think about anything that was really going on in my life. Of course, going from 2 (very large) incomes to one has definitely made me hold the reigns on the spending. But ya know it was starting to get out of control.
I also just wanna say again Happy Mother's Day to my mom..she helped me plant some pretty flowers today AND she gave me my first sewing machine! I'm both excited and overwhelmed at the thought of learning how to sew. (I get overwhelmed really easy ha!) But yeah, she's a great mom..I know she had a tough time with me growing up..I wasn't perfect like my brothers ;P jk jk..but I was a handful and I know it. The wild child. We somehow made it through without killing each other. She's been a great listener/advice giver..very patient and kind and giving of her time. Couldn't ask for a better mom!

Rep the streets you ride on.

Wah after the Ides of March I kind of fell off of the blogging wagon. Well let me just fix that with a really long post!
This week just so happens to be my birthday week. My cousins/friends and I had a small but really fun early sort of party last Friday since they will all be busy/out of town for my actual birthday. It was fun and involved lots of guacamole and queso and tacos and daquiris. And a Justin Timbercake. You see, there is nothing in the world that can compare to a Justin Timbercake on one's birthday. It was the best I'm-not-30-yet birthday cake I've ever seen!
On Saturday my friend and I decided that we would go rock climbing at an indoor place in Lafayette. I have never done that before sooo..well I was scared. Because I'm a baby and scared of everything. (I read this thing one time that said that if you teach your kids that fear-like of heights or extreme things- is an exciting feeling instead of a scary feeling, then they may not be as scared to try new things like that in life..I might try this with my kids one day because I'm such a fraidy cat!) So yeah, the first time I climbed like 3 feet off the floor and looked down and immediately freaked out and told Ethan to "LET ME DOWN LET ME DOWN NOW." Of course, he climbed to the top because he likes to do scary things and isn't a wus like me!! I tried again and made it-a little-higher. The third time I tried, I almost made it to the top. I had a tiny freak out moment when I realized that one of the rocks that I needed to place my foot on was missing..I sort of just stared at the wall for like 3 minutes. Then looked to my right, and there was a 5 year old scaling the wall like Spiderman..looked to my left, and there was an even younger boy doing the same thing. Yeah, I was on the kid's wall. So what, who cares! I made it (almost) to the top before I freaked out to come down. It was very hard. My arms were hurting so bad and were shaking because my upper body is so weak. My back and neck were even sore! We then went to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge, which was one of the worst experiences in my life. Rude people..bad food..just not a great experience.
On Monday night, my sister in law took me to see one of my favorite bands of all times, P.O.D. We found out about the show pretty last minute..and it was in Shreveport. So I managed to get off early and leave at about 3. We finally got there at about 7:30 after a few stops on the way (one may have been to a shoe store..because who wears sandals to a rock show where you might lose a toe or 7?? Crystal. That's who.) We went into the venue, which was a smoky bar/pool hall..and found the stage in the back. We were the only ones standing there. From this point on Crystal would not allow me to move because she just knew 500 people would run through the door at that very moment and push her out of her spot while I was in the bathroom or getting water. No one came. For like 20 more minutes. Then a very nice ginger boy came and stood by us..and I could tell what he was up to, but Crystal loves to find out people's life stories and fears and hopes and joys, so she had long conversations with him while I nodded my head and pretended to listen (the boy then told me I was beautiful and many other things throughout the whole show..wouldn't let his friend stand by my because I was "his friend", and then attempted to trade me P.O.D.'s set list for my phone #, after I clearly told him before the show that it was mines.)
So yeah..the only bad part about standing on the front row at a show is that you have to stand through all of the bands until the people you came to see come on. The first band included: A latino guitar playing screamer, a very skinny bassist that wore a batman shirt, batman beanie, and batman headphones, a chubby jersey wearing Fred Durst rapper, an Aaron Gillespie look-a-like on the drums, a mixed singer who had a baby voice (kind of like cocarosie but it was a male..), and a guy with a turntable...? I was so confused. It was bad. The second band had really dumb songs, but the singer had an amazing voice, and the guitar player was unreal..he was pretty gross, but he played the guitar with someone's cowboy boot..he was really really good.
I don't really know why I am making this story so long..but yeah..POD finally came out and Crystal and I were ready, both wearing our Whosoever T shirts..the singer pretty much immediately noticed and said "Nice shirts!" I probably almost died. It turns out that not many people knew every single song they sing..oh, but we do. It was so fun..The singer handed each of us the mic to sing parts of the songs..he gave us his water bottle after he had taken a sip..they pretty much paid attention to us the whole time and everyone was jealous and we liked that a lot. I also think that the keyboard player has amazing dreds and we thought he would get them stuck in the keys because he was so crazy. And I really would probably love to marry him. But ya know. They even sang both of our favorite songs.  After the show we stalked their bus, like usual, and waited for them to come out. They were super nice..they loved that we knew all of the songs and said they were watching us the whole time "rocking out" (I hate when people say that, but I made an exception this one time). We talked to everyone in the band and Sonny (the singer) asked to take a picture with us for his twitter (EEK!! It ended up on twitter and fb and IG EEEEk!!). We then squealed the whole way to the car and talked non stop for 4 hours while eating lots of junk food until we got home.
Again, I'm not sure why I made this post go on..I was actually going to write about something else..but I fear that I may have bored you all to death if you have even made it this far..so yeah.
Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with my friends from college, and Saturday I'm going to see The Great Gatsby (YAY!!) and going to another friend's house for my actual birthday. Then Sunday is Mother's Day and family bday dinner time. Excited for the weekend!

We're the blood of God's veins..

I have to say..Today I am feeling sooo much better than I was 2 days ago.
Yesterday I had a day off from work..I brought my puppy to the vet. Got all of her shots, wormed her (ew that always sounds so gross to me), got her teeth looked at and everything else you can think of. My vet said that she had a beautiful coat :) I then went to my Dr's appt..I was sent straight to X-ray. Then I waited for an eternity to see the Dr. He took one look and said, "Do you want me to remove that  ganglion cyst or just drain it today?" I told him that I couldn't take a month off of work to have it removed so we decided on draining the cyst. There is a really big chance that it will come back, but I'm praying it won't!! I told him what I did for a living and that I worked for Mike Morgan..he was like oohhhh well we can't have you out of work for very long then. He then pulled out his tape recorder to record my notes and he sounded like one of those auctioneers (is that what you call them??) It sounded like this: eeeehhhbleebleeblooblaahhMikeMorganbleeghourrthhoubleeganglioncystleftdorsumbleebloo etc..you get the point! I lol'ed. Couldn't help it. I tried to make a joke a few times and he sort of just looked at me..he drew a perfectly anatomical picture of all of the carpal bones in under 10 seconds and I was like wow that's a really good drawing! I was really impressed..but then he just stared at me. Because duuuuhh he probably draws it for every single patient he sees a day which is probably like 20+. ha! I wish I could upload the video of the cyst being removed (my sick co worker made me record it but I couldn't even watch the needles so I'm surprised it came out!) He basically just numbed my wrist (which was the super painful part) then drew the fluid out of the cyst with a bigger needle. Then he pressed on the cyst until it popped and moved the fluid around, wrapped me up, and sent me out the door! He prescribed me with no massaging until Monday. ha! So I ended up doing a lot of busy work at work today and working with people that needed one on one treatment with a therapist.
Wow, that seems like a really boring story. But really..I am so happy that my dogs are taken care of, that my wrist is taken care of..I got to go grocery shopping. I've learned over the past year to just be happy that I have what I have. I was seriously a shop-a-holic. Don't get me wrong, I still am at heart. But I think I was just going after so many material things because I was so unhappy and I could think about what I wanted to buy next instead of what was actually going on in my life. I really do love to shop, though! I think I am very materialistic..but lately I have been learning to not be so much. I think that's maybe part of why I'm going through this right now..
welllll I'm pretty sure the Ides of March blog challenge is over? But I'm kind of on a roll with blogging so I think I'll keep it up :)