Warning: Personal and completely honest post ahead. I'm not typing this so anyone can feel sorry for me or pity me..or even try to give me advice. I'm simply just going to type very honest feelings. Too many times people (mostly Christians?) just pretend that everything is fine and great and they don't want to be honest with other people..like people will judge them for being weak or something. I am here to say, yes, I wouldn't have made it without Jesus Christ. I wouldn't have made it without worship music, or prayer, or reading my bible and repeating scriptures when I needed to. However, I suffered through the same feelings and emotions that non christians go through in a similar situation, and I'm not going to sugar coat it and sweep those things under the rug. If you know me, you know that I am an honest (brutally, for the most part [at times..]) person and if anyone wants to talk about my situation, I rarely leave out negative (or positive!) emotions that I felt..I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs..mostly just emotional nothings.. I don't know if that makes sense? Maybe just non-feelings. Having no feelings? Whatever, you get the point.
I am officially divorced. There are some days where I feel so angry and like a complete failure. One bad thing about living in a small town, is that everyone knows you..all of my patients know me and my family..most of them always immediately ask me if and when I'm going to have a baby and when I have to tell them that I am no longer married..it's like something is wrong with me. They automatically lump me in with the rest of my generation, who don't know how to fight for anything and give up too easily. They don't say it. But they don't have to. Half of them assume that now I am the most depressed and pitiful thing they've ever seen..They ask me in that condescending tone, "How was your weekend, bay? Did you get out and do anything?" as if I have no life now that I am no longer married. I think one of the worst things about it for me is that feeling. Of being a failure. I guess most of the older married generation just turned the other cheek when they would go through addictions, infidelities, anger issues..etc. I don't understand how they did it. Or maybe it wasn't as prevalent? I'm sure that's the case. For so many reasons. Anyway, that wasn't really a trail I was intending on taking..
My marriage lasted 3 years. Technically 4, but we were separated for the last year, and I don't really count that as being married because there weren't 2 active participants in the marriage. Throughout this time I think I felt every emotion there is. I was angry. hurt. jealous. felt forgotten. felt unworthy. pointless. depressed. almost suicidal at one point..I don't know that I've ever been open about that. But there was one really bad night. We had been fighting. screaming at each other on the phone. Making threats..After I hung up I rifled through my medicine cabinet..searching for those long forgotten pain pills that I had stowed away. It's only by the grace of God that they weren't there. They still haven't turned up. That was the worst night..I just can't ever explain the horrifying feeling..the feeling that being dead would feel better than having to live this life..The only thing I could do was put on one particular worship song on repeat on my phone, and put it under my pillow while I whispered Jesus' name over and over to just take me. That was a huge turning point for me..after that night I saw things differently. I had a dream that I was meeting Jesus..we were in a cane field (one of my favorite places..to look at! I would never want to be in one with all of the scary creatures, but they are so pretty to look at, and I love the smell when the fields are burning, too) and he was walking with me. I had such a peaceful feeling..it really changed me. There are many other things that happened that helped turn me around..but honestly I would be typing forever if I added all of those things.
It took losing the thing that I loved the most to change..I have always held marriage on a pedestal..I always assumed I would be complete and whole and happy 100% of the time when I was married. I knew that it would be tough..but I never liked being single. I wanted someone else to make decisions for me and take care of me. I asked God my entire teenage and adult life to please show me a visible sign that I would marry the person I was meant to be with. The rainbow in the sky on the day of my wedding proved that to me..there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but a rainbow was there. At the time, that was my sign..and even when we started to have major problems in our marriage..I still hung on to the rainbow..I just thought "Well, if God promised this to me, it has to be the right thing." But now, I see it so differently. He was just promising me that He would be there for me..that I deserve what He has promised me. I've been (pretty much) single for a year now. And it's been great! The only time I really hated it was during the holidays. But I've learned to do so many things on my own..things that I never would have learned had I stayed married. I learned about who I really was. I gained self confidence..I learned my true worth. I used to put too much stock in what I was worth to other people..but I have learned (and am still learning!) that it doesn't matter..that I am worth everything and more to God. He gave up his son because I am worth that much! Looking back, I can almost say that I am thankful for what happened. I don't believe that God wants to see his children hurting..but I think I needed to go through some of those things. I had to learn to let go of things that I held on pedestals. I held my husband on a pedestal. But he wasn't supposed to be there. So..that is part of my journey over the last year..It feels good to get it out. I am very much looking forward to next year. I really do love beginnings..also, I am sort of happy to be saying goodbye to my 20's. I feel like I learned so much about myself..but now I'm ready to see what 30 will bring!
